Steve Senise: Creepy IT Guy

Dear Steve,

I've been reading a lot about the Apple iPhone and am thinking about asking my husband to buy me one for Christmas. What are you thoughts on this device?

Kind regards,

Desiree
Trenton, New Jersey


Dessy baby, you want to hear what Steve Senise's favorite Apple product is? Let me tell you candy cane, it's the  iWantToCoverYouInChocolateRiceKrispiesWhileHubbyIsAtWork. You won't find that on Amazon.com, but Steve Senise can make it happen and I'll even throw in some extremely generous credit terms so that you can buy now and pay later.

But listen to me my little chocolate button, Steve Senise has been doing some digital dribbling over the iPhone because the touch screen offers something that you just can't find anywhere else. Can I stroke your touch screen Desiree? Do you want to drag your finger across my LCD. You know what LCD stands for baby? Lovers Coi.....**coughs**.

Whew. Things are getting a little heated in the iTrousers region Desiree. See what you did to me? Let me re-boot, re-configure and log-out of this Lover's Application that just won't seem to quit.

Desiree? I don't think there's anything wrong with treating yourself to something sleek and smooth to help pass those long winter nights. What does your husband do Desiree? Is he an oil rig worker? He is, isn't he. I can tell. And let me guess, he's away for six months at a time.
Sometimes longer. It must be tough - so, so tough. Just you, the tingling night air and your iPhone for company. I want you to know it's ok to think those thoughts that are running through your head like a sexaully charged Amtrak hurtling into Frustration Station. Let go. Grab your new toy Desiree. You need an outlet. Let's make some iSweetMusic together. Can i call you on your iPhone. What's your number Desireee? I promise I won't hang up this time after the first heavy breath....



Dear Steve,

I'm a Windows user and I'm concerned at the amount of viruses and spyware that are out there in the wild. What precautions should I be taking to keep my computer safe?

Thanks,

Carol
Fort Worth, Texas


Carol, Carol, Carol. What are we going to do with you? I know the world can be a tough, ugly place sometimes and you're probably looking for a knight in shining armour to pick you up, throw you on the back of an ice-white horse and whisk you away from the Bubonic Plague infected masses. I'm that Knight, Carol. I'm like the Knight Rider, except minus the black sports car that talks like Stephen Hawking. I want to take you to a better place and whisper in your ear before we go to bed each night that everything's gonna be alright. Because it is my little koala cub, it's gonna be fine. We'll run away from this unholy world together and we'll explore each other's minds, and each other's bodies and trust me - I won't need a roadmap. I won't even need to stop midway and ask a stranger for directions. I know which way to go candy corn, and I can't wait to plot every point on your mountainous terrain.

A lot of people are concerned with viruses and spyware Carol, and the secret to success is very much like spending a night of passion with that very special person in your life. Is there a special person for you, Carol? Does he make you quiver like a double-bass string? Maybe it's a she, Carol. Maybe there are two shes. Are they your neighbors? Did you meet them at a volleyball tournament?

So you need to work with your computer, not against it my creamy mango lassi. The two of you need to move to the same digital drumbeat and gyrate as one with the  rhythm of life. Don't push when the other pulls.  Don't dive when the other ducks. This is about harmony, and I'm not talking about the  sickly scented hairspray.

Can i scan your system Carol? Can I de-fragment your hard drive? Can I paw through all your files and get inside every hidden directory? Can I spy in places that a system shouldn't be spied on? Let me in Carol. I'm no virus, I'm an antidote. An antidote to your frustration. I'm the cure, not the disease.

Tear that firewall down Carol and download a bumper sized byte of Steve Senise.

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Steve Senise: Creepy IT Guy

Each week creepy computer expert Steve Senise will answer questions from Sergio Georgini readers.

Dear Steve,

I am a young woman who has little experience using computers. My parents bought me a new P.C. for my birthday, and now I'm trying to improve my skills. I've been having some problems using the mouse, and I was hoping you could give me some tips on how to properly control it.

Thanks,

Linda, Maine

Hi Linda.

You mind if I call you Lyn? No, I didn't think so. Lyn it is then. I used to know a dancer called Lyn from out Reno way. She had a face like a bag of smashed crabs but a body tighter than a Luther Vandross lyric. We used to sleep away the days, and grind away the nights, without a care in the world. She was a sweet piece of pie Lyn, smoother than pumpkin and zestier than key lime. Such a shame that the harassment charge stuck, otherwise I might still be there today.

Lyn...baby...I can almost hear the question dripping off your lips. The truth is that you have to handle the mouse like you'd handle a sexually experienced woman. It might be a little intimidating to deal with at first, but once you start pressing the buttons with a natural rhythm it'll be putty in your hands. Now, I'm not sure if you're into women Lyn, but if you are there's no shame to admit it. We're all friends here, and Steve Senise doesn't judge anyone. It's your choice Lyn but, if you are, you'll be giving me some sweet thoughts to take to the sack tonight.

Lyn, I have to ask you a question. What's a beautiful woman like you doing using a computer? You should be outside, gyrating under the warm summer rain and tasting the sweet fruit of life. But honey-bee, if you're going to insist on staying behind those cold, gray walls of your home, then Stevie Senise can't turn down a cry from help from such a delightful damsel in distress.

You have to grab that mouse like you're handling the crown jewels. Watch your arm slowly sway from side to side like a slippery, inquisitive python, and allow your fingers to gradually unfurl and gently click in all the right places.

That's it baby. I can hear it clicking now. You click like you've been doing it all your life. Don't stop now honey. Keep going. That's good. Keep it moving.

Lyn...sugar-mouse...I hope that answer was as good for you as it was for me. Please write again. Please. Tell me you will. Don't call the cops. I just want to be your friend.


Dear Steve,

I've been reading about the growth of wireless Internet access, and was wondering if you could explain what this is and how I can get it?

Danny, Kansas

Hey Danny-Boy,

Steve Senise always believes that to understand how a machine works, you must first compare it to how a human being works. We're all human, Dan, and there ain't no shame in that. We're all human and we all like to explore. Do you explore yourself Danny? If you do, here's a quick word of advice. Don't do it in the parking lot of Applebee's. Or if you do, make sure you've got some of those tinted windows in your vehicle.

So Daniel-son, wireless Internet is very much like spending that first, explosive night with the special girl in your life. It's new, it's exciting, there are no inhibitions to tie-you down, and it's extremely quick. Now Dan, I'm not trying to say Steve Senise's first night with his high-school sweetheart was extremely quick – in fact I've always blamed the lack of alcohol for the runaway pace of events – but I would strongly recommend drinking cooking sherry as a means of reining back the bolting racehorse if things get too hot and heavy. You might want to write that one down, because god knows I wish I had.

But Dan, do you mind if we stay focused on the question? You've got to stop going off on a tangent like that. Wireless technology is new, so the thrill factor is still there. You have the excitement of the chase, and after that the liberated freedom to have fun wherever you choose. Could be the bed, or the couch, or even in the bathroom. In the early days location doesn't matter. You can be spontaneous. The world is your nectar-rich, lightly sautéed oyster.

But brother, this shit ain't no vintage wine – it only gets worse with age. You gotta keep it fresh and mix things up. If you don't do that, make sure you hook yourself up with some cozy bedtime reading material. You know what I'm saying there, don't you? I ain't talking about no Moby Dick, I'm talking about something a little bit more lightweight but a whole lot more satisfying. I know we're on the same wavelength Danny.

So Dan. Tell me you'll do it. Promise you'll do it for Steve Senise. Go out and explore this darkly alluring area and feast on its riches while you can. Come on, man. Do it for me. Can I watch?


Dear Steve,

I've heard a lot about "hot keys" on a computer keyboard. What do people mean when they use this expression?

Debbie, Chicago

Debbie...kitten……your voice is like a fire-roasted melted marshmellow that's just dripping all over my eardrums. So what do we have here then, huh? We have a set of hot keys for a very special hot little lady from the Midwest. I hope you don't think I'm getting too up close and personal here Debbie, but I can just imagine your perfectly-formed fingers dancing all over that keyboard and it sends shivers down my spine.

But sugar, you know that all things "hot" are always great. Hot cakes, hot summer nights, hot cocoa, Hot Shots. Well, maybe not the last one. I really think that Charlie Sheen has done better work, but every rule has its exception.

So baby doll, those hot keys are just aching to be tapped. Don't be scared of taking the plunge. You can start gentle, and slowly accelerate but, if you don't try them you'll regret missing out.

Here's the best bit angel-eyes. Your hot keys can get you on the Internet with just one press. Now, I wouldn't normally do this but I can send you a link to my personal web site. I'll even give you a back-stage password so that you can check out some of my latest photo galleries. Will you leave me message? Just type a few words baby. Type a few words on those hot keys of yours. And when you leave me a message, can you call me "Barry". That's the name I like to use when I'm online. Barry. Big Barry. Ok, what are you waiting for. Go online now. I'll see you in the chat room.