Cleveland smoker challenges tobacco companies to “Give me your best shot, pussies.”

A Cleveland man has issued a challenge to tobacco companies to increase the potency of their cigarettes – but only if they dare.

Ryan Bristow has been an enthusiastic chain smoker for more than ten years, but now the lead-lunged addict has called for tobacco companies to take their products to the next level.

The 40-a-day Home Entertainment Retail Specialist is taunting major tobacco manufacturers such as Philip Morris, by questioning their sexuality if they don’t start producing a stronger, more nicotine-rich product. And in a strongly worded letter written in semi-literate English, Bristow urged tobacco firms to unleash an unhealthier cigarette – claiming his lungs were ready for a new, more exciting challenge.

Speaking from his front porch, Bristow said: “Now we’ll see exactly how tough these lily-livered assholes are. I’ve been buying their watered-down products for over ten years now, so as a consumer I think I deserve to have my voice heard.

“I’ve spent most of my adult life conditioning my lungs for this occasion. Now all I need to know is if those pussies that make the cigarettes are man enough to send me over their best cigarette. Because I can guarantee that I’ll take it without flinching. In fact I’ll be able to smoke whatever they throw at me for the next 20 years without so much as a hiccup. That’s how confident I feel.”

Bristow recently recovered from a bout of emphysema, which he claims was caused by excess pollen in the air. But now the coughing king of cockiness is back to his best and says he won’t rest until a more harmful nicotine-based product hits the store shelves.

Some of his proposals for a “super cigarette” include:

Removing the filter entirely and increasing the length of the cigarette to six inches

Allowing the cigarettes to marinade in up to ten banned chemical agents before packaging.

Coating the butt with a glucose glaze to encourage consumption by the smoker.

He continued: “I saw that asshole the Surgeon General on TV, mouthing off that cigarettes have over 250 different chemical additives. Thank god that pussy isn’t running the country. What I’m saying is that if we have 250 chemical additives at the moment, let’s up that to at least 500. Hell, if they can do it let’s push for four figures.

“People need to realize that there’s an exclusive club of hardcore smokers out there. At casinos you get the high rollers, who like to gamble with huge-ass amounts of money. Well this is exactly the same thing. I’ve trained my body for years to be able to resist even the harshest cancer-causing agents, so not it’s about time those tobacco company assholes rose to the challenge.”

A spokesman for the Association of Tobacco Manufacturers said: “We do not have any immediate plans to mass-produce an “extra strength” cigarette, but we are sympathetic to the cause of people like Mr. Bristow. He should consider moving up to chewing tobacco, and then eventually unfiltered Havana cigars. Products such as these are almost guaranteed to give his lungs the challenge that he seeks.”