God retires from public service after nasty bout of hemorrhoids

The Heavenly Father has announced he plans to withdraw from public life after spending years fighting a losing battle against hemorrhoids,

God delivered the stunning message through Pope Benedict XVI, who alerted the world in a televised speech on Sunday. In a rambling address, a visibly shaken Pope delivered God’s shock announcement in 46 languages, in a highly moving speech that lasted 369 hours.

The Lord’s decision to retire from public service means that he will no longer shepherd life on earth on a daily basis. According to religious leaders, this could be devastating for the human race.

Father Raymond Pips of the Boston Diocese said: "To put it plain and simply, now is not a good time to be a human being. If the Big Man takes his eye off the ball for just a fraction of a second, you can almost guarantee that the earth will be hit by disaster after disaster.

"These ass grapes really couldn’t have come at a worse time for the world. The Middle East is in dire straits and we need the Lord’s help now more than ever. To think that he could be away applying Preparation-H when we need him to sort out the Iranian nuclear issue is, quite frankly, terrifying."

Sources close to the Pope claim that God’s hemorrhoids were caused by spending thousands of years sitting on the throne in the Kingdom of Heaven. He last suffered a flare-up of the condition in 1939, when he temporarily left the throne to seek relief. While he was away, World War II – the most catastrophic conflict in human history – erupted.

One of the Pope’s closest advisers contacted Sergio Georgini to offer this chilling analysis. He said: "All the signs currently point to the fact that God is becoming less concerned with life on earth, and more interested in his painful posterior.

"Terrorist attacks are up, war is raging around the world and Wall Street is losing billions. If the Father was paying full attention to things, Bin Laden would be toast and the bankers would still be dropping millions on luxury consumer goods."

Religious leaders predict that unless the Great Creator cures his hemorrhoids in the next two weeks, the earth will be hit by a series of catastrophic events. These events could include:

A socialist being elected as President of the United States in 2008

Workers being given equal rights and fair wages throughout the world

Another season of American Idol

Father Pips concluded: "It’s important that we include God in all our prayers tonight, and pray that he can help himself cure this very embarrassing problem. It’s also important for people of all religions to let God know that he has nothing to be ashamed of. God made all humans in his image, and I can tell you that millions of Americans suffer from painful ass grapes. So with that being said, all we can do is hope that that the inflammation calms down and that he can get back to business as usual."