Dear Steve,
I've been reading a lot about the Apple iPhone and am thinking about asking my husband to buy me one for Christmas. What are you thoughts on this device?
Kind regards,
Desiree
Trenton, New Jersey
Dessy baby, you want to hear what Steve Senise's favorite Apple product is? Let me tell you candy cane, it's the iWantToCoverYouInChocolateRiceKrispiesWhileHubbyIsAtWork. You won't find that on Amazon.com, but Steve Senise can make it happen and I'll even throw in some extremely generous credit terms so that you can buy now and pay later.
But listen to me my little chocolate button, Steve Senise has been doing some digital dribbling over the iPhone because the touch screen offers something that you just can't find anywhere else. Can I stroke your touch screen Desiree? Do you want to drag your finger across my LCD. You know what LCD stands for baby? Lovers Coi.....**coughs**.
Whew. Things are getting a little heated in the iTrousers region Desiree. See what you did to me? Let me re-boot, re-configure and log-out of this Lover's Application that just won't seem to quit.
Desiree? I don't think there's anything wrong with treating yourself to something sleek and smooth to help pass those long winter nights. What does your husband do Desiree? Is he an oil rig worker? He is, isn't he. I can tell. And let me guess, he's away for six months at a time.
Sometimes longer. It must be tough - so, so tough. Just you, the tingling night air and your iPhone for company. I want you to know it's ok to think those thoughts that are running through your head like a sexaully charged Amtrak hurtling into Frustration Station. Let go. Grab your new toy Desiree. You need an outlet. Let's make some iSweetMusic together. Can i call you on your iPhone. What's your number Desireee? I promise I won't hang up this time after the first heavy breath....
Dear Steve,
I'm a Windows user and I'm concerned at the amount of viruses and spyware that are out there in the wild. What precautions should I be taking to keep my computer safe?
Thanks,
Carol
Fort Worth, Texas
Carol, Carol, Carol. What are we going to do with you? I know the world can be a tough, ugly place sometimes and you're probably looking for a knight in shining armour to pick you up, throw you on the back of an ice-white horse and whisk you away from the Bubonic Plague infected masses. I'm that Knight, Carol. I'm like the Knight Rider, except minus the black sports car that talks like Stephen Hawking. I want to take you to a better place and whisper in your ear before we go to bed each night that everything's gonna be alright. Because it is my little koala cub, it's gonna be fine. We'll run away from this unholy world together and we'll explore each other's minds, and each other's bodies and trust me - I won't need a roadmap. I won't even need to stop midway and ask a stranger for directions. I know which way to go candy corn, and I can't wait to plot every point on your mountainous terrain.
A lot of people are concerned with viruses and spyware Carol, and the secret to success is very much like spending a night of passion with that very special person in your life. Is there a special person for you, Carol? Does he make you quiver like a double-bass string? Maybe it's a she, Carol. Maybe there are two shes. Are they your neighbors? Did you meet them at a volleyball tournament?
So you need to work with your computer, not against it my creamy mango lassi. The two of you need to move to the same digital drumbeat and gyrate as one with the rhythm of life. Don't push when the other pulls. Don't dive when the other ducks. This is about harmony, and I'm not talking about the sickly scented hairspray.
Can i scan your system Carol? Can I de-fragment your hard drive? Can I paw through all your files and get inside every hidden directory? Can I spy in places that a system shouldn't be spied on? Let me in Carol. I'm no virus, I'm an antidote. An antidote to your frustration. I'm the cure, not the disease.
Tear that firewall down Carol and download a bumper sized byte of Steve Senise.
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