A novelty ring tone-loving cell phone user is threatening to send the telecommunications world into disarray by launching a campaign to scrap the Federal Government’s Do Not Call List.
The list was set-up in 2003 by the Bush administration as an attempt to slash the number of unsolicited telemarketing calls that have infuriated Americans up and down the country. But after receiving a brand New Nokia 34500 Turbo i GPS camera phone with optional novelty ring tones, Denver man Chuck Greenfield has announced it’s time to hang-up on the Do Not Call List.
Chuck, who was thrilled that his phone came pre-loaded with the Outkast – Hey Ya ring tone, said: “Man, you’ve got to see this phone. It’s just the coolest thing. When I saw it in the store I knew I had to have it. It’s so tiny and shiny and all the buttons flash. But get this dude. It’s got a color screen and a camera attached to the end. But the best thing….and I gotta tell you this completely blew me away…the best thing is that you can download ring tones which sound just like your favorite songs. How nuts is that?”
After activating his phone, Chuck immediately played three games of Tetris and then connected to his GPS service to see if the satellite signal would be able to penetrate the walls of his local Mrs. Field’s cookie store. But the best was yet to come. Chuck then dialed a special seven-digit telephone number and was able to download a novelty ring tone, which replicated the theme tune to The A-Team, only without the background sound effects of flying bullets.
Chuck continued: “Once I installed The A-Team ring tone, I was in heaven. Each time I played it I kept thinking that the Crazy Fool Murdoch would walk through the door any second. Then I called the number again and got the theme tunes to Chips, and TJ Hooker. By this point I was totally hooked.”
After several minutes, Chuck had added “Please Release Me” by Engelbert Humperdinck and “Nightshift” by The Commodores. But his euphoria was short-lived. Amid all this musical magic, the mercurial mobile-lover realized that he needed somebody to call him in order to enjoy the full wonder of his new novelty ring tones. This was a problem. Summing the situation up, Chuck said: “To put it simply, I am a social leper.”
The ostracized oddball was further infuriated when he learnt about the introduction of the Do Not Call list. Chuck’s only hope of hearing his beloved novelty ring tones was through unsolicited phone calls – the very calls this disturbing list was attempting to ban.
Chuck continued: “This whole piece of legislation is a sick joke. If I had it my way they’d be a Please Call at Will list. I want to be listening to these zany novelty ring tones all day long, but so far I’ve only had one call and that was a wrong number. I told the person on the phone that they were welcome to call me back anytime, but that didn’t seem to go down very well.
“I can understand that many ordinary people would object to receiving phone calls during dinner, or after 8pm. But what about the people like me who have our own, novelty ring-tone needs? It’s tough when those ring-tones are just sitting there waiting to be played, but nobody calls. That’s like buying a gun but having nobody to shoot it at.”
Chuck believes the novelty ring tone market is set to explode, and he’s already planning his next download.
“I’d really like to try and find “Nothing’s Gonna’ Stop Us Now” by Starship and “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car” by Billy Ocean. These things are just the greatest invention since whistling key chains. People seem to love them. They’re especially popular in confined spaces, such as trains or buses.”
Regarding the battle to tear-up the Do Not Call List, a defiant Chuck gave Sergio Georgini an exclusive glimpse into his campaign strategy. While the whimsical weirdo refused to give specific details, he did reveal that over the coming weeks he would:
- Shout at the Television whenever a politician appeared on camera
- Think about writing a letter to someone or other in power
- Leave his mobile phone turned on all the time in order to encourage telemarketing calls
Chuck concluded: “The fight’s only just beginning. This one’s going to go all the night. Now are you going to call me later on, or not. Please.”
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