After 20 years on the job, I.T worker decides to talk like the rest of us

Champagne corks have been popping across South Dakota after a long-serving I.T worker announced he would start talking in a language that the rest of his friends and family understand.

Bob Begley, who works as an I.T Help Desk Administrator for a mid-size pet insurance company, made the shock announcement to stunned colleagues on Friday. The illegible Information Technology specialist took the decision after his wife gave birth to their first child on Thursday.

Bob’s wife, June Begley, said: “I’m so proud of Bob for taking this brave decision. For the last 20 years he’s been speaking in a language that none of us understood. It’s all been techno speak and, to be quite honest, it made married life difficult because I couldn’t tell you the first thing about computers.

“But suddenly everything changed when I went into labor on Thursday. I gave birth to little Bob Jnr and as I was cradling our newborn son in my arms, Bob asked the doctor if he’d be taking little Bob Jnr for a ‘comprehensive system virus scan’. The doctor mumbled something about being a ‘prick’ under his breath, and that’s when it dawned on Bob that for best part of his life he’s been unable to communicate properly with anyone who doesn’t understand computers.”

After the arrival of his new son, Bob immediately promised his wife that he would no longer use the words “I.P address”, “Network Communication Protocol” or “DLL System File” in the immediate aftermath of sex. He also made a pledge to start embracing the many thousands of everyday nouns, verbs and adjectives that ordinary Americans consistently use in conversation.

Recalling a catalogue of past horrors, June revealed some of the low points in her marriage were when Bob:

Told a bemused doctor that McAfee or Norton, not Alexander Fleming, invented penicillin

Insisted that an epileptic boy in the middle of a seizure needed to simply be “re-booted”, rather than take his vital prescription medication

Dressed up his laptop like a Japanese Geisha Girl and took it on weekend excursions to the movies.

June said: “I keep hearing about how the advancement of computer technology has made our lives so much easier, but for me it’s been a living hell. Probably the worst moment was when Bob decided to abandon the English language completely, and began to simply talk and write using a series of zeros and ones, which I later found out was something called binary code. It really was quite embarrassing at dinner parties when your husband talks like a demented puppet reciting the same two numbers over and over again. People naturally thought he was crazy.”

Co-workers have also expressed their relief at Bob’s decision to jump across to the land of real people. ‘Fat’ Eddie Jaques, who works in pet insurance claims adjustment, said: “Bob’s a great guy but whenever you called that help desk he may as well have been talking in Arabic. Nobody had a goddamn clue what he was talking about. Everything was ‘server’ this, or ‘tcp/ip’ that – it just didn’t make sense to anyone.

“If you asked him for lunch, rather than saying he was hungry….he’d say some bullcrap like ‘Indeed, I think it is time for my scheduled system maintenance’. I’d be like ‘Dude, I only want to know if you wanna grab a sandwich and a cup of coffee.’”