The FBI last night issued a stark warning that America could be targeted by thousands of midget suicide bombers intent on wreaking havoc across the nation.
In a hastily organized press conference, grim-faced Feds revealed that up to 1,000 dwarves had been enlisted by al Qaeda to carry out suicide attacks in unspecified locations throughout the country.
While details remain sketchy, sources close to President Bush tell Sergio Georgini that Osama Bin Laden’s terror group has been actively recruiting little people to take part in suicide missions for the last five years. It’s believed that many midgets are angry at their ongoing struggle to be fully accepted into society, and want to make a point by blowing themselves up with thousands of pounds of explosive.
Bin Laden’s Head of Little People Operations has been in close contact with Kenny Baker, who played the spirited android R2-D2 in the Star Wars series of films. Baker, along with two former Ewoks, has been leading negotiations and midget insiders claim the anarchist android actor has been promised a seat on Osama Bin Laden’s inner war cabinet in return for his co-operation.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a Department of Defense official said: “Our intelligence work has, until now, centered on the potential for more aircraft hijackings, or even a chemical or biological weapons attack. But now it’s clear that we’ve been way off the mark. The President has been informed that this country faces a clear and present danger. The enemy is small, but the risks are huge.”
The tiny-terrorists are believed to have formed a number of “mini-cells” in up to 20 major cities. Intelligence chiefs were first alerted to the threat after an anonymous tip-off warned that midgets across the country were starting to organize. This was later confirmed by an increase in “midget chatter”. The CIA started a surveillance operation on George Claydon – who played one of the Oompa Loompas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – and soon the plot began to unravel.
Our defense source continued: “Claydon was in constant touch with Baker, who in turn was soliciting Gary Coleman to join the terror network. We listened in on their phone conversations for more than a month, and what we heard was terrifying.
“The little lunatics planned to strap explosives to themselves and roll into small areas, which taller people couldn’t access. Some spoke about rolling under train track platforms, others mentioned stowing away on aircraft in cargo boxes and others planned to hide in trash bins on busy city streets.
“Perhaps the most worrying aspect was a series of vague references to the “Bouncing Bomb”. In this scenario, a partner, of average height, would accompany the midget. The destructive duo would casually walk down the street acting perfectly normally, but then in an instant the taller man would pick up the explosive-laden dwarf and toss him through an open window. The dwarf would land, and detonate the explosives – with devastating effect. This strategy would leave any shop or business at risk in any major city across America. The psychological effect would be huge.”
The Government admitted they do not know when the dwarves will strike, they do not know the location at which they will strike and they do not know the exact method of attack. So with F-15 jets patrolling the skies, defense analysts are still trying to determine how to minimize the impending midget threat.
Gregg Brandon, Editor of military strategy magazine Defending America, said: “With the aircraft hijacking threat, we were able to increase airport security and take a series of measures to minimize the likelihood of attack. But with this new dwarf threat, there really isn’t much we can do. Nobody has ever kept tabs on the number of midgets in this country, so we really are fighting an unknown enemy.”
