A SERGIO GEORGINI EXCLUSIVE
The gay community was forced to swallow a bitter-sweet pill on Wednesday when the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage, but in the same breath outlawed same-sex divorce.
The shock decision was designed to appease both sides of the gay marriage debate, but privately Republican strategists were calling the decision a victory for "common sense".
Under the new ruling, gay and lesbian couples throughout America would be free to tie the knot without restriction. But once married, the same-sex sweethearts would be locked into a legally binding relationship for life. Religious leaders hope this provision will deter gay couples from marrying once the reality sinks in that when the ring hits the finger, there's no way out.
A Republican insider said: "This really is a great decision for America. Allowing homosexuals to have equal rights and happiness is nothing less than criminal. So now with this ruling, we’re saying to gays who are thinking of tying the knot 'If you can't do the time, don't commit the crime'."
"The thought of marriage might seem appealing now, but these people will have to think long and hard about what they're getting into. Are they going to be happy in five or 10 years? What about 20? What happens if one partner starts leaving the toilet seat down, or decides to let themselves go? There's no way out. This really is a life sentence."
Independent legal analyst Steve Somers says this decision firmly puts the ball back into the court of the gay community. “They’ve got exactly what they wanted, but their mistake was to completely ignore the issue of divorce. If somebody told you that you could buy a house, but you'd never be allowed to sell it in the future, you'd have to think long and hard about making the investment. That's exactly the situation that gay people are in right now. They may think they love their partner, but are they 100 per cent sure they want to commit for life?”
Talking off the record, one of the Justices revealed that the court had attempted to balance one sin by removing another from the equation. He explained that allowing gay people to get married was a sin against God in the first place, but banning them from getting divorced would prevent them from sinning twice.
He said: "If you think about it, this makes perfect sense. The majority of straight people will get married, and then get divorced - effectively committing one sin. Now with gay people, we're going to legally allow them to commit a sin by getting married, but we're also saving them from themselves by ensuring they don't sin twice by getting divorced. God may be a forgiving kind of fella, but he sure as hell ain't gonna stand by and scratch his ass while people keep committing sin after sin. I think any reasonable, right-wing, clear thinking, conservative religious American can see that.”
A spokesman for the gay rights community said: “Those right-wingers really are sneaky sons of bitches. With this ruling, they've started to plant all kinds of unreasonable thoughts in my head. My partner looks great now, but what happens when his six-pack is replaced by a beer gut and his hair starts falling out. Do I really want to wake up to that every morning? I mean...Jesus Christ….why can't the world just leave us alone to be happy like everyone else?”
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