New planet found orbiting Oprah Winfrey

Stunned NASA scientists have found what they believe is the solar system’s 10th planet orbiting chat show queen Oprah Winfrey.

If confirmed, the new planet would become the solar system’s most distant object, but the scientific community has already given it a name - Steakfry.

Astronomers first detected the object’s strange elliptical orbit while carrying out a routine scan of the stars with the Spitzer Space Telescope. The discovery sparked a frenzy of activity among the space research community, and this later turned to disbelief when it became clear that the planet was glued to its orbit by the gravitational pull of Oprah Winfrey.

Winfrey’s ongoing battle of the bulge has captivated her millions of ardent fans and has served as an inspiration to millions of dieters. But sources close to the chunky chat show diva revealed how a recent vacation to the Bahamas led to a series of high-fat indulgences. Although Winfrey privately confessed that she’d put on a few pounds, she was staggered to learn that her recent weight gain was enough to attract an 8 billion square mile circular mass of rock and ice.

Dr. Jens Lehman, who made the discovery, said: “Astronomers spend their whole careers dreaming about finding a new planet. But to find one orbiting one of the most successful women in entertainment history, is just beyond my wildest dreams. All I need now is to find Ricki Lake’s black hole and I can retire, knowing that my work is done.

“When I first saw the object, I noticed it was circling in an unusual, almost erratic pattern. Then, after further research, I realized that every time Oprah Winfrey moved around, the location of Steakfry changed. The further she moved, the more radical the change.”

Lehman’s delight grew to concern when Winfrey jetted off for a book tour of France.

He said: “When she decided to fly to France, she almost sparked a cataclysmic disaster in our solar system because this new planet was thrown so far off orbit. From a scientific point of view, I’d like to contain her to her bedroom so that she can’t spark an unwitting Armageddon.”

Physicists have been speculating about how the “Winfrey Effect” could impact the universe, and the news isn’t all good. Some believe that should Winfrey allow her weight to balloon out of control, her gravitational pull could grow and she may attract a larger planet such as Jupiter. The impact of an event on this scale could spell disaster for earth.

Andrew Eggert, Professor of Physics at Buffalo University, said: “We should forget about the campaign to end obesity amongst our kids…..instead we should be more concerned with Oprah’s eating habits. I would urge all her fans to write in to her talk show and encourage her to keep on the fruit and vegetables, because if she lets herself go we’re all doomed.

“Having one planet orbiting the human waist is not such a big deal, but if we’re not careful she could become a serious celestial player. Just stop and think for a moment what would happen if she gained 50lbs and started to attract Saturn or Jupiter. This could misalign all the planets and would almost certainly spell the end of life on earth.”

In the worst case scenario, scientists fear that Winfrey could grow powerful enough to attract the sun. But the consensus is that this is an extreme scenario, and would depend on an increase in weight of approximately 100lbs.

Last night Winfrey’s friends rallied around her and offered a dramatic show of support. Dr. Phil agreed to co-host a special edition of her chat show titled: “Is that a moon orbiting my daughter, or just her double chin?” and said he would have a series of one-on-one sessions with Oprah to discuss this unprecedented crisis.