Get Obliterated To Avoid Getting Obliterated

If anybody plans to fly in the near future, don't bother. Instead, save the effort by doing the following:

1. Withdraw 700 dollars from the bank and run it through a paper shredder

2. Gather all your best clothes, pack them in a case, throw the case down a well and resign yourself to the fact that you'll never see them again.

3. Stand in a room with no obvious exits for 7 hours, with only the faint aroma of partially-cooked hot dogs for company.

4. Ask a random stranger to insert his/her hand into each one of your body cavities (this one isn't for the faint hearted)

Air travel is becoming more complicated than space flight. The reason is that we're being brainwashed into believing that life should be free of risk. Notions like that are destroying the fabric of this country. Actually, they're not - I just felt like being overly dramatic.

Stepping out of our front door elevates the risk we face by ten million per cent. We're always hearing about how the world is under threat from the Neo-Cons, but as danerous as THEY are, I think we should be more concerned about the Hypo-Cons - i.e. Hypochondriacs. These people who fear illness and death also fear risk. So, in essence, they fear life itself. Try living in Beirut for three days....then you'll know what REAL fear really is.

But there is one upside to the airport chaos. The ban on liquids gives rise to a potentially exciting new drinking game. I'm thinking of patenting this, but i'm too stupid to figure out how - so here are the rules:

1. Each player calls at the duty free shop upon arrival at the airport and buys a pre-defined quantity of lethally strong liquor

2. Each player joins the security line.

3. Since all liquids are now banned, the surly security guard will inevitably challenge each player to either discard of the liquor, or drink it before boarding.

4. Each player then downs as much liquor as possible in as much time as it takes to piss off the 87 mile line of people behind them.

It's really a great game, because people will be getting obliterated to help prevent the rest of the plane from getting obliterated.

Now that's what I call having a social conscience.