Senior citizen realizes good old days weren't actually that good

Move Along Please EXCLUSIVE

An elderly woman from Des Moines has finally let go of a 50 year delusion by admitting that the good old days weren't really as good as she thought.

For the last half century Doris Gribble, 92, has consistently told friends and family that life "isn't like it used to be". The outspoken old-timer insisted that from crime rates to public transport, life was better in every conceivable area more than fifty years ago, when compared to life today.

But it wasn't until Doris suffered a massive heart attack just three weeks ago, that her Alzheimer's-ridden logic was finally proved to be nothing more than a crock of delusional horse shit.

Speaking from her luxurious, centrally heated hospital room, a frail Doris said: "Ooooo, the people are so nice here. This nice young Indian doctor told me that he'd had to bypass something in my heart. Apparently he was able to make a hole the size of a dime in my chest, and then fix the problem. He told me that if this had happened 15 years ago I wouldn't have stood a chance of surviving and that death would have been a certainty. And that's when I started to think."

After the ravages of the general anesthetic slowly started to wear off, the frail-hearted senior spent some time reflecting on days gone by. And as she carefully followed the dancing bright lights of the EKG machine that was helping keep her alive, she was hit with an astounding revelation that the past was pretty crappy.

"Suddenly I realized that life today is actually rather wonderful, and the good old days were horrific. The last time I was in hospital was in 1948, when I needed to have my tonsils removed. The doctor I had was a drunken pervert called Igor, and his idea of anesthetic was to give me three double brandies. The whole visit was simply awful and after I left the hospital, I got an infection, which they attempted to cure by injecting my throat with steroids. That just made things worse, and as a result my whole upper torso was paralyzed for over a year and I had to breathe through a balsa wood pea shooter."

As Doris embarked on a nightmarish journey down memory lane, she was forced to confront a number of sickening realities including:

- Narrowly dodging death from influenza in 1918 due to the lack of available antibiotics
- Having her house destroyed by a stray German bomb in 1943, and having to live on the streets for a six month period. With no home and job, she became addicted to drugs and was forced to turn to prostitution.
- Being mugged nine times in one year during the 1960s, and having her life savings stolen by a smooth talking conman in 1972

Doris continued: "I'd always thought the past was so great and that modern life was terrible. But the harsh reality is that for the first thirty years of my life I was either in poverty, a victim of crime, or trapped in an abusive marriage. It wasn't until the early 1990s that things really started to improve. Now I'm sitting here in this glamorous hospital room and I couldn't be happier. Thank God that I've finally been able to remove my senile rose-tinted glasses and understand that the past was actually a living hell."