A new audio tape purportedly from Osama Bin Laden claims the terror chief plans to escape the stresses of everyday living by taking a two-week cruise around Alaska.
In a spirited five-minute speech, the evil extremist thanked Allah for showing him the path to The Alaska Tour & Travel Company and expressed hope that he’d be able to secure a starboard-side cabin not too far from the captain's mess.
The Al-Jazeera Television network says it acquired the tape from an unnamed source, and that independent analysts had verified its authenticity.
At one point, the bushy-faced bomb lover proclaims: "Praise be, Allah. The Mighty Warrior from the sky has ordained me, his humble servant, to join a Mighty Warrior in the sea that goes by the name of Island Princess.
"I have had many visions of this great day and my dreams have been filled with images of interesting port towns, historic railroad trips and unusual wildlife. Allah, oh mighty God, has commanded me to ditch my humble mountain robes for a pair of bright-white slacks, a navy, gold-buttoned blazer and a sky-blue flat cap.
"The war in the caves is over, and now we take the battle to America’s picturesque commercial shipping routes."
CIA analysts have noted that the tape marks a distinct shift in the terrorist mastermind's tone. In previous recorded speeches, Bin Laden had referred to America as "The Great Satan" and had warned that: "The Americans, the masters of evil, the great oppressors, will be chased out of every village and every town, both in their own land and abroad. They will have nowhere to hide." But in the latest audio tape, the al Qaeda leader simply says: "To all Americans, I say this. How hot is Alaska in May?"
Later in the recording, Bin Laden outlines some of his plans for the near future. But rather than involving hijackings and terror attacks, they include:
A close associate of Bin Laden sent a hand scribbled-note via carrier pigeon to the Sergio Georgini news desk, explaining Osama's new strategy.
The note reads: "Let’s face it, the great Father Bin Laden is one of the most resilient figures on God's earth, but even for him it's a pain in the ass to have to move from cave to cave on a daily basis. He's been living off withering roots and stagnant water for a year and a half, and even he needs to kick back from time to time. He told me in confidence that he just wants to sip a cocktail and feel the Alaskan breeze whistle through his beard."
Allies of the fuzzy-faced fanatic are now formulating a plan for how to get him from the mountainous region of Pakistan, to the Canadian sea port of Vancouver. With American intelligence blanketing the region, al Qaeda will have its work cut-out transporting the misguided maniac.
A defense source said: "Somehow they've got to get him from Pakistan, over to Canada and they sure as hell know that we'll be watching their every move. There's no denying that Alaska is a beautiful state, but you have to wonder if he wouldn't have made his life easier by opting for a one week vacation in Kabul.”
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