Sick Or Treat?

If you strip away the candy-coated exterior, Halloween is essentially an incredibly efficient extortion racket.

Once a year millions of children dressed in an assortment of zany outfits descend on homes across America and demand candy, and if they don't get any there's an implicit threat to unleash an act of mischief on the non-payer.

And it works. Not only does it work, but people can't get enough of it. Adults rush out to fill bowls the size of Luxembourg with chocolate treats and positively will the hordes of scamps to knock on their door and clear them out of snacks. Kids get to wear costumes and have a great time, which in turn makes the adults even happier when they see the kids having a great time. It's a truly brilliant concept.

So brilliant, in fact, that I think it's time to extend this gem of an idea into new areas of life. If we can actually persuade people to give stuff away and make them feel good about doing it, then quite frankly we need to nurture this concept and make it work in other, exciting ways.

Take healthcare for example. I don't care if you're Democrat or Republican, there are very few people who'd deny that having millions of people without health insurance is a good thing for the country. But - as with most things in life - nobody wants to pay for it.

So today I'm unveiling my solution to America's healthcare woes - Sick Or Treat.

It goes something like this. The Federal government adds a new holiday to the calendar....let's call it Sick Or Treat Day for now. In order to celebrate Sick Or Treat Day, American children will be encouraged to dress-up in costumes - maybe as a surgeon, nurse, Avian Flu Virus or Dr. Dre - and then knock on every door in their community.

When somebody answers the door, the kid just needs to utter the words "Sick Or Treat" and demand $10 for the "Treat". Now, for Sick Or Treat Day we're aiming big. We're aiming to hit every house in the country - a number which runs into the millions.

If you multiply $10 by the total number of homes in America, you've got yourself a sizable chunk of change - and that cash would immediately be poured into a Government sponsored healthcare scheme.

It's like Halloween all over again, but with benefits. The kids have a great time, the adults have a great time and while everyone's so busy having a great time the USA is building a brand new universal healthcare system.

The answer to our healthcare problems doesn't rest with private insurance schemes or higher income taxes, but rather with the collective cuteness factor of our nation's youth. I'd much rather give a 4-year old dressed as Debbie The Doggie Dermatologist $20 then I would the IRS, or God forbid a politician.

So forget the boy scouts, forget the Peace Corps, and forget the after-school clubs. We need to harness the "awwwwww" factor of our kids to raise the funds we need to provide services and benefits for millions of Americans.

Clinton, Obama and Romney take note. This is a revolution waiting to happen - which one of you will be brave enough to light the spark?

Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage, but outlaws gay divorce

A SERGIO GEORGINI EXCLUSIVE

The gay community was forced to swallow a bitter-sweet pill on Wednesday when the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage, but in the same breath outlawed same-sex divorce.

The shock decision was designed to appease both sides of the gay marriage debate, but privately Republican strategists were calling the decision a victory for "common sense".

Under the new ruling, gay and lesbian couples throughout America would be free to tie the knot without restriction. But once married, the same-sex sweethearts would be locked into a legally binding relationship for life. Religious leaders hope this provision will deter gay couples from marrying once the reality sinks in that when the ring hits the finger, there's no way out.

A Republican insider said: "This really is a great decision for America. Allowing homosexuals to have equal rights and happiness is nothing less than criminal. So now with this ruling, we’re saying to gays who are thinking of tying the knot 'If you can't do the time, don't commit the crime'."

"The thought of marriage might seem appealing now, but these people will have to think long and hard about what they're getting into. Are they going to be happy in five or 10 years? What about 20? What happens if one partner starts leaving the toilet seat down, or decides to let themselves go? There's no way out. This really is a life sentence."

Independent legal analyst Steve Somers says this decision firmly puts the ball back into the court of the gay community. “They’ve got exactly what they wanted, but their mistake was to completely ignore the issue of divorce. If somebody told you that you could buy a house, but you'd never be allowed to sell it in the future, you'd have to think long and hard about making the investment. That's exactly the situation that gay people are in right now. They may think they love their partner, but are they 100 per cent sure they want to commit for life?”

Talking off the record, one of the Justices revealed that the court had attempted to balance one sin by removing another from the equation. He explained that allowing gay people to get married was a sin against God in the first place, but banning them from getting divorced would prevent them from sinning twice.

He said: "If you think about it, this makes perfect sense. The majority of straight people will get married, and then get divorced - effectively committing one sin. Now with gay people, we're going to legally allow them to commit a sin by getting married, but we're also saving them from themselves by ensuring they don't sin twice by getting divorced. God may be a forgiving kind of fella, but he sure as hell ain't gonna stand by and scratch his ass while people keep committing sin after sin. I think any reasonable, right-wing, clear thinking, conservative religious American can see that.”

A spokesman for the gay rights community said: “Those right-wingers really are sneaky sons of bitches. With this ruling, they've started to plant all kinds of unreasonable thoughts in my head. My partner looks great now, but what happens when his six-pack is replaced by a beer gut and his hair starts falling out. Do I really want to wake up to that every morning? I mean...Jesus Christ….why can't the world just leave us alone to be happy like everyone else?”

French Fry Coated Hot Dog

Every now and again we stumble across acts of human innovation that simply take our breath away. For some it's ancient architecture or paintings that touch the soul. For others it's the spine tingling sound of classical music, or a poignant passage of prose in a poem or book. For me.....well check out the above.

No single thing encapsulates both the brilliance and the horrendous flaws of market capitalism as the French Fry Coated Hot Dog.

Sold as a popular street snack in South Korea, it's this kind of innovative creativity that's helped power the human species ahead of our neighbors in the animal kingdom. If I wasn't such a firm disciple of Darwin and evolution, this would almost convince me to believe in the notion of Intelligent Design.

America, the world is awaiting your response. We can't be humiliated in the world of grossly unhealthy foods by the South Koreans. Ladies and gentleman, start your friers please....

Steve Senise: Creepy IT Guy

Each week creepy computer expert Steve Senise will answer questions from Sergio Georgini readers.

Dear Steve,

I am a young woman who has little experience using computers. My parents bought me a new P.C. for my birthday, and now I'm trying to improve my skills. I've been having some problems using the mouse, and I was hoping you could give me some tips on how to properly control it.

Thanks,

Linda, Maine

Hi Linda.

You mind if I call you Lyn? No, I didn't think so. Lyn it is then. I used to know a dancer called Lyn from out Reno way. She had a face like a bag of smashed crabs but a body tighter than a Luther Vandross lyric. We used to sleep away the days, and grind away the nights, without a care in the world. She was a sweet piece of pie Lyn, smoother than pumpkin and zestier than key lime. Such a shame that the harassment charge stuck, otherwise I might still be there today.

Lyn...baby...I can almost hear the question dripping off your lips. The truth is that you have to handle the mouse like you'd handle a sexually experienced woman. It might be a little intimidating to deal with at first, but once you start pressing the buttons with a natural rhythm it'll be putty in your hands. Now, I'm not sure if you're into women Lyn, but if you are there's no shame to admit it. We're all friends here, and Steve Senise doesn't judge anyone. It's your choice Lyn but, if you are, you'll be giving me some sweet thoughts to take to the sack tonight.

Lyn, I have to ask you a question. What's a beautiful woman like you doing using a computer? You should be outside, gyrating under the warm summer rain and tasting the sweet fruit of life. But honey-bee, if you're going to insist on staying behind those cold, gray walls of your home, then Stevie Senise can't turn down a cry from help from such a delightful damsel in distress.

You have to grab that mouse like you're handling the crown jewels. Watch your arm slowly sway from side to side like a slippery, inquisitive python, and allow your fingers to gradually unfurl and gently click in all the right places.

That's it baby. I can hear it clicking now. You click like you've been doing it all your life. Don't stop now honey. Keep going. That's good. Keep it moving.

Lyn...sugar-mouse...I hope that answer was as good for you as it was for me. Please write again. Please. Tell me you will. Don't call the cops. I just want to be your friend.


Dear Steve,

I've been reading about the growth of wireless Internet access, and was wondering if you could explain what this is and how I can get it?

Danny, Kansas

Hey Danny-Boy,

Steve Senise always believes that to understand how a machine works, you must first compare it to how a human being works. We're all human, Dan, and there ain't no shame in that. We're all human and we all like to explore. Do you explore yourself Danny? If you do, here's a quick word of advice. Don't do it in the parking lot of Applebee's. Or if you do, make sure you've got some of those tinted windows in your vehicle.

So Daniel-son, wireless Internet is very much like spending that first, explosive night with the special girl in your life. It's new, it's exciting, there are no inhibitions to tie-you down, and it's extremely quick. Now Dan, I'm not trying to say Steve Senise's first night with his high-school sweetheart was extremely quick – in fact I've always blamed the lack of alcohol for the runaway pace of events – but I would strongly recommend drinking cooking sherry as a means of reining back the bolting racehorse if things get too hot and heavy. You might want to write that one down, because god knows I wish I had.

But Dan, do you mind if we stay focused on the question? You've got to stop going off on a tangent like that. Wireless technology is new, so the thrill factor is still there. You have the excitement of the chase, and after that the liberated freedom to have fun wherever you choose. Could be the bed, or the couch, or even in the bathroom. In the early days location doesn't matter. You can be spontaneous. The world is your nectar-rich, lightly sautéed oyster.

But brother, this shit ain't no vintage wine – it only gets worse with age. You gotta keep it fresh and mix things up. If you don't do that, make sure you hook yourself up with some cozy bedtime reading material. You know what I'm saying there, don't you? I ain't talking about no Moby Dick, I'm talking about something a little bit more lightweight but a whole lot more satisfying. I know we're on the same wavelength Danny.

So Dan. Tell me you'll do it. Promise you'll do it for Steve Senise. Go out and explore this darkly alluring area and feast on its riches while you can. Come on, man. Do it for me. Can I watch?


Dear Steve,

I've heard a lot about "hot keys" on a computer keyboard. What do people mean when they use this expression?

Debbie, Chicago

Debbie...kitten……your voice is like a fire-roasted melted marshmellow that's just dripping all over my eardrums. So what do we have here then, huh? We have a set of hot keys for a very special hot little lady from the Midwest. I hope you don't think I'm getting too up close and personal here Debbie, but I can just imagine your perfectly-formed fingers dancing all over that keyboard and it sends shivers down my spine.

But sugar, you know that all things "hot" are always great. Hot cakes, hot summer nights, hot cocoa, Hot Shots. Well, maybe not the last one. I really think that Charlie Sheen has done better work, but every rule has its exception.

So baby doll, those hot keys are just aching to be tapped. Don't be scared of taking the plunge. You can start gentle, and slowly accelerate but, if you don't try them you'll regret missing out.

Here's the best bit angel-eyes. Your hot keys can get you on the Internet with just one press. Now, I wouldn't normally do this but I can send you a link to my personal web site. I'll even give you a back-stage password so that you can check out some of my latest photo galleries. Will you leave me message? Just type a few words baby. Type a few words on those hot keys of yours. And when you leave me a message, can you call me "Barry". That's the name I like to use when I'm online. Barry. Big Barry. Ok, what are you waiting for. Go online now. I'll see you in the chat room.

Because We Must

Morrissey is everything a lead singer should be. Great hair, impeccable style, sense
of high drama which verges on the ridiculous, and a trademark voice that's instantly recognizable.

With a career that spans over 20 years, the Great Man ended his 5 night residency at New York's Hammerstein Ballroom with a spirited flourish which served to remind the audience exactly what they should expect from a front man. Chris Martin and Co. take note.

After a bouncy and lightweight - yet srangely fulfilling - set from opening act Girl In A Coma, the curtain lifted for the main event.

Firing off with a thumping rendition of The Smiths' Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before, Morrissey took the crowd on a rollercoaster ride through his now extensive back catalogue.

From the poppy, Steven Street days came Last Of The Famous International Playboys and a pulsating romp through Interesting Drug. A nod to the Rockabilly era of Your Arsenal came in the form of Sister I'm A Poet (complete with double bass), and memories of Vauxhall and I came flooding back with the strongest song on that record, Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself?

The band were tight and confident and injected a newfound muscle to the sound as they powered through some more recent songs from the excellent You Are The Quarry. Thankfully, only one track (You Have Killed Me) was played from the snooze-fest that was Ringleader Of The Tormentors.

But it was the sprinkling of songs from his days in The Smiths that really landed the knockout blow. The jingly-jangly guitars that still have Johnny Marr's name written all over them led Morrissey effortlessly through Girlfriend In A Coma and the now default crowd pleaser How Soon Is Now.

But that was just for starters. A beautifully meandering stroll through Stretch Out And Wait was later followed by a truly extraordinary swaggering, swirling performance of Death Of A Disco Dancer which captured a heady mixture of fore-boding aggression and delicate fragility. By the time our blue-shirted protagonist had collapsed on the floor in faux-despair during Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want, the crowd were eating from his frequently out-stretched hand.

The encore of First Of The Gang To Die prompted the masses to surge to the front and bodies were hoisted aloft and thrusted toward the stage - of which two people actually made it on. Then the shirt was off, tossed into the crowd like a piece of meat as the feeding frenzy began.

I managed to squeeze my ungainly frame to the second row from the stage and for a split second - while being thrown around during the encore - I felt 15 years younger. Yet the law of mathematics is such a wonderful equalizing force, and when I woke up this morning with a feeling that a small huddle of Boy Scouts had started a camp fire in both of my knees I realized that those 15 years had been clawed back, and another 20 had been added just to teach me a lesson.

To fully appreciate Morrissey, you have to understand that the devil is often in the detail. A raise of an eyebrow, the flick of the microphone cable, the unfurling of a hand, the sway of the head - they're all critical components of his stage persona, and his performance and you either get it, or you don't.

At 48, it's somewhat surprising that Morrissey is still as relevant as he is. Some point to this as a sign of his unique charisma, while others see it as a sign of the increasingly bland music scene.

I think it's probably a bit of both. After all, when was the last time you got a kick in the head fighting for a shirt at an Elton John concert?

Riding With The Retards

Putting the excellent 1980s band to one side for a moment, there are no two words that strike fear into my heart quite like "General Public".

Hop on a bus, subway or train and within five minutes you'll truly appreciate what a slow process evolution is. The moron gene that seems to be carried by so many of our species shows no sign of mutating in a hurry - and for the misguided souls among us who believe in Intelligent Design, I challenge you to hop on the M15 bus with me on a Saturday and show me the intelligence.

I used to be a socialist many years ago - I was the guy marching for students/workers/single mothers/academics/litter pickers rights and it was something I believed passionately in. But then the crisis of confidence started.

You see the more people I encountered, the more convinced I became that humans simply haven't evolved enough to make socialism work. The idea is great and I desperately wanted to believe in it. But the General Public continued to give me a never ending stream of reasons to question the validity of the socialist dream that seemed to make so much sense in the text books.

Today's political kick in the radicals came on the Donwtown 6 train. It had been raining outside and as a result the subway was busy - standing room only and Italian tourist's elbow in the testicles busy.

As our burgeoning human cattle train left 59th street, the legend pictured above decided to pull his crappy Palm Treo from his bag and proceed to play Gangster Rap through the phone's speaker. This continued all the way down to 28th street.

I don't really understand what the mind-set is here, but it doesn't take an advanced degree in social dynamics to appreciate that a crowded subway car probably has no interest in listening to your iTunes library, especially through a tinny, piece of shit cell phone.

So if Fat Boy Dim can't appreciate this little point, I don't have very much incentive to re-distribute any of my wealth (my "wealth" consists of a guitar and a Ronco Showtime Rotisserie) or sip from a shared cup of solidarity.

The old cliche is that the older you get, the more conservative you get. On reflection, I think that's simply because the older you get, the more people you encounter. And the more people you encounter, the more you find yourself wishing Bird Flu would finally make that final species jump.

So in order for socialism to really work, we need to pick somewhere that's going to be free from the destructive drip drip effect of human encounters.

The People's Republic of Antarctica. Now that has a nice ring to it.

Bin Laden plans to get away from it all with Alaskan cruise

A new audio tape purportedly from Osama Bin Laden claims the terror chief plans to escape the stresses of everyday living by taking a two-week cruise around Alaska.

In a spirited five-minute speech, the evil extremist thanked Allah for showing him the path to The Alaska Tour & Travel Company and expressed hope that he’d be able to secure a starboard-side cabin not too far from the captain's mess.

The Al-Jazeera Television network says it acquired the tape from an unnamed source, and that independent analysts had verified its authenticity.

At one point, the bushy-faced bomb lover proclaims: "Praise be, Allah. The Mighty Warrior from the sky has ordained me, his humble servant, to join a Mighty Warrior in the sea that goes by the name of Island Princess.

"I have had many visions of this great day and my dreams have been filled with images of interesting port towns, historic railroad trips and unusual wildlife. Allah, oh mighty God, has commanded me to ditch my humble mountain robes for a pair of bright-white slacks, a navy, gold-buttoned blazer and a sky-blue flat cap.

"The war in the caves is over, and now we take the battle to America’s picturesque commercial shipping routes."

CIA analysts have noted that the tape marks a distinct shift in the terrorist mastermind's tone. In previous recorded speeches, Bin Laden had referred to America as "The Great Satan" and had warned that: "The Americans, the masters of evil, the great oppressors, will be chased out of every village and every town, both in their own land and abroad. They will have nowhere to hide." But in the latest audio tape, the al Qaeda leader simply says: "To all Americans, I say this. How hot is Alaska in May?"

Later in the recording, Bin Laden outlines some of his plans for the near future. But rather than involving hijackings and terror attacks, they include:

Playing a game of mini-golf after breakfast, but only if weather permits

Taking an afternoon class in tea dancing

Joining the on-board early morning step-aerobics session, with optional free-style weights

A close associate of Bin Laden sent a hand scribbled-note via carrier pigeon to the Sergio Georgini news desk, explaining Osama's new strategy.

The note reads: "Let’s face it, the great Father Bin Laden is one of the most resilient figures on God's earth, but even for him it's a pain in the ass to have to move from cave to cave on a daily basis. He's been living off withering roots and stagnant water for a year and a half, and even he needs to kick back from time to time. He told me in confidence that he just wants to sip a cocktail and feel the Alaskan breeze whistle through his beard."

Allies of the fuzzy-faced fanatic are now formulating a plan for how to get him from the mountainous region of Pakistan, to the Canadian sea port of Vancouver. With American intelligence blanketing the region, al Qaeda will have its work cut-out transporting the misguided maniac.

A defense source said: "Somehow they've got to get him from Pakistan, over to Canada and they sure as hell know that we'll be watching their every move. There's no denying that Alaska is a beautiful state, but you have to wonder if he wouldn't have made his life easier by opting for a one week vacation in Kabul.”

It's iWank Day For Apple Fans

The date is Friday October 26th and that can only mean one thing - welcome to iWank day.

Apple lovers up and down the United States are tingling in geeky excitement as the Cupertino based company unveils its new operating system, OS X Leopard.

Early reviews in the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and USA Today have all been positive, and the early consensus is that while this isn't a hugely radical upgrade, it still urinates on Windows from a very great height.

Some of the most notable enhancements include:

Time Machine - an intuitive way to back-up files via a beautifully designed interface

Quick Look - a feature that lets you view any file in one click without having to open the application it's associated with

Spaces - a way to create multiple desktops to better organize open windows and reduce clutter

iChat - new enhanced video chat features that allow a user to remotely control the desktop of the person they're chatting with

Web clipping - "cut out" any part of any web page in Safari and your clipping instantly becomes a dynamic widget that will sit within Dashboard

There are other upgrades too - Apple cites 300 in total - but these are the biggies.

I've been a Mac user for over five years now and the old adage is true: "Once you go Mac, you never go back." My copy of Leopard is shipping from Amazon and should be with me on Monday or Tuesday. Once I get it installed, I'll post a full review.

Signs That You Might Be A Fundamentalist Christian: # 1

Do you ever feel compelled to cheat thousands of vulnerable people out of their hard earned money by asking them to buy "Holy Water" or "Prayer Cards" for the bargain price of $49.95?

Do you have an insatiable appetite for German made sports cars? Can you cure Ebola and Bird Flu by simply tapping somebody on the forehead and shouting very loudly in their ear?

Congratulations, you may have what it takes to be a Televangelist Fundamental Christian!

In the first of a brand new series, Sergio Georgini will reveal some of the tell-tale signs that could determine if a TV camera, a bible and a six figure salary feature in the Lord's plans for you.

SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE A FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN # 1

You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

You can find more gems like this here.

Picture courtesy of Philistine Shirts

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White House Pet Campaign 2008: Angora Rabbit

From cats to canaries, Presidents of the United States have always attached great importance to the warm, fuzzy friends that sit on their laps in the Oval Office (and I don't mean Monica Lewinksy).

Bush has a couple of Scottish terriers. Bill had a cat called Socks. JFK had a pair of Hamsters called  Billie and Debbie.

But if a politician wants my vote - especially a President - I want someone who's keeping a strangely exotic animal that I've never heard of before. Screw taxes and No Child Left Behind - just show me the pets.

So today, Sergio Georgini is launching its White House Pet Campaign 2008.  Over the coming weeks I'll be showcasing a series of pets that I'd order my chief of staff/intern/United Nations minion to immediately go and procure. Not only do I expect this story to set the election news agenda for the coming months, but I truly believe that if we pull together we can really make a difference, and make the world of pet keeping a better place.

We kick of our campaign with the Angora Rabbit (pictured above).  The Angora is one of the oldest types of domestic rabbit, originating in Ankara, Turkey, along with the Angora cat and Angora goat.

If I saw Hilary pictured with one of these little beauties I'd punch my hole next to her name faster than you can say "Furball".

For those of you who want more animal action, check out this rather nice Presidential Pets quiz that the company that pays my electricity bill developed.

Blogged with Flock

Social Hibernation and Reverse SEO

Letting Microsoft get involved with Facebook is kind of like inviting a divorce lawyer with a crystal meth problem to your honeymoon.

But that's exactly what's happened, with news that Billy Boy Bowl-Head's empire has bought a minority stake in the social networking company for about $240 million.

Users of Facebook - and I count myself as one of them - will testify that it offers a vastly superior user experience over its clunky, slow, Murdoch-owned rival. But it's that thought alone that makes anyone who knows how to use a mouse slightly concerned that they've hopped into bed with a company that's renowned for buggy, non-sensical, dull and generally difficult to use products.

But the good news for common bystanders like you and I is that we can sit back and watch the inevitable social networking backlash unfold.

Here's how it goes. I was chatting with my boss last week about the concept of "Reverse SEO". This idea sprang to mind during a conversation we had at dinner about how many relevant search results are returned when you Google your own name.

A couple of people at the table mentioned they'd unearthed random photographs of themselves taken years ago, that had obviously been tagged with their names. Others reported articles and other obscure  references that appeared in Google's results.

Since search engine crawl everywhere and everything, we discussed ways of actually stopping your name  from getting out on the Internet. The obvious way is not to post anything online, but that doesn't stop other people from tagging something that identifies you.

So what's the answer? Well, our slightly drink-addled solution was Reverse SEO. Creating a privacy mechanism for people that effectively allows them to remove any trace of their names or identity from search engines. From ex-wives trying to avoid ex-husbands to people who get slightly weirded out that the office IT help desk person posted a picture of them on a blog in Bavarian milkmaid outfit, Reverse SEO would be a great solution.

Now take that idea to the next step. As more and more people join social networking sites and as the technology starts to mature, users might not realize exactly how many footprints they're leaving all over cyberspace. From personal photographs, to bookmarks, to videos, to blog comments - the intricate ties that social networks weave mean we're exposing more of ourselves to the world than ever before.

So what happens next? Maybe social networking is replaced with social hibernation. Perhaps a new movement develops that advocates withdrawing from online life and becoming a cyber-hermit.

Well, maybe.

Don't miss next week's post when I attempt to justify why my previous predictions of backlashes against reality TV/Wal Mart/Starbucks/Cell Phones/SUVs have yet to materialize.

Poffins Poffins® Traditional Pet Coffins

As somebody who has his puffy, spastic face pushed firmly against the shop window of entrepreneurship, it always makes me glow with radioactive pleasure whenever I see a business doing well.

A couple of years ago my good friend Jack Thorpe enlightened me to The Poffin - the number one way to bury your pet in style.

This is something I could have used many years ago during my goldfish owning days, although in retrospect I think the hand-crafted mahogany might have got wedged in the toilet pipe after a vigorous flush.

Obviously the pet-owning public have openly embraced the Poffin, because the product line is expanding and I was extremely excited to learn about the new DNA Necklace.

According to the site - and I quote - "Our links with an international bio tech company allows us to use the technology that now exists to produce a stunning, platinum coated, pure Stirling silver pendant that contains a visible sample of your pets DNA suspended in a coloured liquid.

The sample DNA is taken by means of a simple mouth swab (we will send you the brush to do this)."

If I was a pet owner I can't really imagine that wiping away the tears just long enough to shove a cue tip into the slack jawed mouth of Thumper The Albino would be a very uplifting experience, but maybe that's why I'm animal-less.


But the idea of preserving DNA and genes in a necklace is pretty interesting. It sounds like a scene from Jurassic Park, only this time everything goes ballistic when somebody drops a tray of jewelery in Zales.

Cryonics is dead. When I go, I want my remains preserved in a his and hers sovereign ring wedged beneath a headstone of topaz and rubies. That's pure class.

Blogged with Flock

Will Mitt beat Hitler-y and Osama?

When George Bush mis-pronounces "nuclear", it raises a wry smile in a "That little scamp's done it again - he just doesn't know any better" kind of way.

But when one of the Republican Presidential hopefuls confuses a potential Democratic opponent with the world's most wanted terrorist, you have to feel slightly jittery.

If I was Mrs. Obama I'd be concerned. One minute you're browsing the home goods section of Sears for a new pair of curtains for the bedroom, and before you know it Mitt's ordered a surgical air strike and blown-up your SUV with 18 stinger missiles.

Let's hope he doesn't take it any further. "Actually, just look at what Hitler - Hilary did in World War II. It was carnage."

Cue nervous shuffling from Romney aides. "Hey Mitt, her voice might be getting deeper to try and appeal to the male vote, but she's not the guy with the moustache in the funny uniform. And remember it's Joe BIDEN, not Stalin."

Return Of The Twat

I'm back.

I know the shockwaves generated by this statement will be felt for at least the next two milliseconds, so I'll handle such an announcement with the lack of respect it deserves.

"So what happened to the lovable rogue?," I hear nobody ask. "Well," our streaky hero replies - "I couldn't blog anymore because I was too busy publishing my first book and then bundled off on a promotional tour to the Polynesian Islands."

Well, that's kind of how it went.

But let's not allow the fabrications of the past to get in the way. I may have done absolutely jack shit in 12 months, but the world hasn't stood still.

Apparently there's an election about to swing into gear which seems kind of important, the whole world is morphing into Boss Hogg (even in Africa - I'd love to get to the bottom of THAT one) , the climate's going ballistic and most of the West Coast is burning out of control.

I also hear General Mills is planning to launch Sweet and Sour Cheerios - one half coated in tangy tangerine, and the other in white chocolate. Or maybe I just dreamt that.

Either way, with keyboard in one hand and a box of Kleenex in the other I'm armed with all the tools needed for a fruitful online experience. Let the games begin.